A few months ago I celebrated 13 years with my amazing husband. I often get questions from people about our marriage and our sex life in marriage because Mr Davis is my one and only. That’s right, we got married having never had sex and have only slept with each other. Today I thought I would answer the most common questions I get about sex in marriage and our specific lifestyle:
You were really both virgins when you got married?
We really were. Which was ROUGH. I can’t ever be judgmental towards those that choose to have sex before marriage because it’s not like we didn’t want to! We both grew up in very religious households and have chosen to be religious ourselves and honestly I don’t regret one bit waiting. I know, I know but what did I miss out on?? There’s a lot of pros and cons to multiple partners and I chose to just skip all of that and wait. But it was rough.
How did you know what you were doing on your wedding night?
Virgin wedding nights look a lot like “Yay!! We can put it in…wait, is that were it goe..oh yes, ow, but COOL WE’RE HAVING SEX!!” or at least ours did. We were both very fortunate to have good friends that were happy to be open about their sex lives and a fairly good sex education that we had pursued ourselves. Not everyone is as lucky as we were coming from the conservative culture we grew up in and I’m grateful to my husbands parents for their open and positive nature around sex and to mine for trying. The best advice I received on my honeymoon was from a friend I called. Her words exactly: “Oh, you just need to get on top and ride!”
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How did you even know you were sexually compatible?
Not having sex before marriage did not mean that we never touched each other at all! Both of us were easily aroused by each other by kissing and snuggling and I feel like it’s pretty easy to go from there. For me at least, I think I would easily be able to determine if I wasn’t compatible with someone physically long before intercourse! So much of sex is learned and we were able to get this education together.
How do you even know if you are good at sex?
No joke, multiple people have asked me this. I just don’t know if you need multiple partners to validate if you’re good at sex. Is that really a thing? I would say we both seem to walk away from sex with smiles on our faces pretty much every time, soooo, I don’t know. Yes? Here’s the bigger question-we both feel very satisfied with our sex life, is it worth it for us to have sex with others so that we may no longer be satisfied with what we have? And would we even be unsatisfied after that walkabout?
How did you learn to orgasm?
This is a conversation I have with other women often and it’s something I want to talk about more. As I’ve started this blog many of the DM’s and questions I’ve received have been around the female orgasm. I am not a sex therapist, but I’ve hung out with a bunch of them and I cannot recommend them enough for women going through this specific struggle. In my personal experience, I had to learn the female sexual response. That meant being very open and honest with my husband about what felt good and what didn’t. I never faked anything, forced anything and we talked often about all of it. One of the best things we’ve done for our sex life is talking about our sex life during non-sexual times like on dates at dinner and while on long drives. This removes so much pressure from the conversation and is just a fun past time. One of the most important parts of learning for me was exploring and getting to know my own anatomy and I did this right alongside my husband. He is a very patient man and happy to snuggle and play and discover and that is how we found what works. Learning to orgasm is time well spent!!
From Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are:
We have more control over that sensitivity than we are aware. “From the moment we are born, our brains are learning what to count as sexually relevant and what to evaluate as a potential threat; because this is learned information, we can also unlearn these things. “
There is much that is not implicitly sexual — so much is culturally determined and inculcated — so just as we have learned, we can unlearn and teach our brains something new.
Nagoski makes an important distinction between sexual responsiveness and sexual pleasure. The first is physiological: something “sexually relevant” (a naked person, a sexual thought or touch, etc.) can cause physical signs of arousal in our body. But it is possible to respond physiologically to something “sexually relevant,” while still finding it gross and repugnant, and as a result, to be unable to find pleasure in the sexual activity.
“One can learn to have sex the same way one learns to dance,” Nagoski tell us. “You just have to get out there and find somebody you can laugh with, and step on each other’s toes and be ok with it and learn.”
I can’t recommend Emily Nagoski enough, if you get a chance, her TED Talk is excellent:
SEE MORE: PEN + PAPER FERTILITY CHARTING
Pervasive in our culture is the idea that if sex (and relationships in general) isn’t natural, effortless and magical that it doesn’t count or you’re with the wrong partner. The reality is that we need to work through things ourselves first and then identify if our partner is part of the problem. Having a healthy relationship is always going to help-with ourselves AND with our partners.
If you haven’t started reading her book Come As You Are, it is a must read! I cannot recommend it enough!
What were your first sexual experiences like?